Out Now: Smug 2.0

According to a recent study, if you really, really like gadgets you are probably an arrogant prick. And if you’re an early adopter, even worse.

An online study of 25,000 American adults revealed a strong correlation between a love of technology and personality traits like leadership, dynamism and assertiveness coupled with serious lack of modesty. Is this really all that surprising? Did they really need to do a study to know that the guy texting away on his Blackberry in the middle of “Atonement” doesn’t really give a shit that he is distracting me from a spectacular film experience. Sure, he’s not talking, but I cannot concentrate on James McAvoy’s intensity with that little screen glowing to my right like a hole in the universe sucking every ounce of sexually charged air right out of the theater.

Did they really need a study to tell them that the people toting their Powerbooks around like newborns, Bluetooth earpieces making them look like half cyber-Spock, half human, while they appear to converse with the trees outside Starbucks, are probably not the most humble among us?

The study found that those who rated highly in assertiveness were 62 percent more likely to buy the latest model of a cell phone when it hits the market. Uh huh. And from this sort of data, they extrapolated that “those who are really assertive are the types to grab life by the horn” and that “when they see something they want or like, they go straight for it.” How much money was spent on this study?

Does all this embracing of the wonders of technology really equate with arrogance as the study concluded? (“Avid tech consumers were also likely to be low on modesty and may be perceived as conceited or arrogant.”) Or are they just basing their findings on having seen one too many Mac vs. PC ad? (I am beginning to feel a little sorry for PC at this point. Come on, Mac guy. Lay off already. It’s clear that PC is not as cool or clever as you are. You’re kind of becoming a bully.)

Could it simply be that those of us who have maxed out the icons in our dock or have stopped into the Apple store at least ten times to ask if the new iPhone is in yet are just eager adventurers on the technology highway of life? Wouldn’t Lewis and Clark have been the first guys to own a Garmin had it been available in 1804?

Our household has purchased three Mac laptops in the last six months. And we’re waiting anxiously for July 11 when the new 3G iPhone hits stores. What a bunch of insufferable ***holes we are.

Comcastic? I Think Not

The trouble with our 40-inch Sony Bravia HD television is there are only about seven HD channels. And the rest of the 483 channels look worse than Philo Farsnworth’s first attempts at image oscillation in 1927. I don’t blame Sony. They’ve made a wonderful piece of technology, and the flat screen with its museum quality frame hardly obscures the books hiding behind it. It’s Comcast I’m angry with. The supposedly HDMI set-top box they gave me looks and behaves remarkably like the analog box I had before. Except the fan is even louder.

“Nevermind that HDMI cable,” they told me. “You don’t need it.”

Comcast claims it will soon be upgrading all the cable in our neighborhood and then, even the analog stations will be as clear as a mountain stream. In the meantime, to avoid the annoying fuzz, I’ll watch absolutely anything in HD. I’ve recently been filling in the gaps in my knowledge of historic battles. And you have not seen “Orangutan Island” until you’ve seen it in HD.

Sony Puts The Ire In Smire

Sony has made every family vacation just a little more stressful with the introduction of a camera that refuses to shoot the damn picture until little Johnnie smiles. The Sony DSC-T70 and DSC-T200 Cyber-Shot cameras use smile recognition software to detect that most basic of human emotions. But can it tell if you’re faking it? And is there a special setting for shooting photos of Goth teens? How bout a device that forces your subject to smile? Some sort of electrode placed under the skin to deliver a mild sense of euphoria should the subject’s attention wander. Actually, didn’t I just read something about that in the latest issue of Vanity Fair? Jim Windolf’s article “Lazy-Ass Nation” (VF, Oct. 2007) includes a mention of just such a device created by Dr. Stuart Meloy of Winston-Salem, NC. Controlled via a wireless remote, the wonder jolt (hey, Dr. Meloy, there’s a great name for your new gizmo) apparently provides an effect similar to Cialis, but without the nasty side affects. Except possibly lung cancer from the inevitable rise in smoking.