Good, Bad, WTF: An Educational Guide To Grad Gifting

College graduation is upon us and you’re wondering what to get for that special young achiever in your life. You need something that says, “Congratulations. Get ready to work your ass off.”

Before you pull out your credit card, a few words to the wise regarding some popular gift ideas.

A weekend in Vegas: Do you really want to be responsible for what stays in Vegas?

A car: How will he get motivated to go to a soul-crushing job every day if he thinks cars just appear in the driveway?

A Pen Set: This gift hasn’t been good since 1959. A simple Rollerball with gel grip does the job just as well for a lot less money and she won’t feel guilty when she loses it.

Gym Membership: This gift says, “Way to go! You made it through college, now get ready to sit behind a desk and pack on the pounds.”

Cash: You can never really go wrong with cash, except at college graduation. This gift says, “You just achieved one of life’s major milestones, and I was too lazy to get so much as a gift certificate, a variety of which are readily available at the supermarket I pass through several times a week.”

The X-Rocker Home Theater Floor Chair from Brookstone:
He’s seen his last kegger. He’s ready for furniture that puts a couple feet between him and the floor.

A Tie: You cheap, uninspired bastard.

Jewelry:
It had better be from the fine jewelry department and fall into the category of keepsake. Think precious metals, pearls and gemstones. Tip: Anything in a Tiffany box.

Six-Pack: Unless you’re graduating with the recipient, um, no.Even if it’s the world’s largest six-pack, still no.

Golf Club Drink Dispenser:
Perfect for the business grad. A little schmoozing and boozing on the back nine and your graduate will be prepared to navigate even the messiest scandal.

It’s 5:00 Somewhere Neon Sculpture:
What a great way to say, “Welcome to the 9 to 5!"

IPod Touch: Excellent choice (and not just because I want my Apple shares to go up).


Google Stock: Boring, but he’ll thank the hell out of you in a few years if he doesn’t sell it to buy a flat screen TV first.

Flat Screen TV: What size?

Eurail Pass: Make sure he hasn’t already accepted a great job that, when he comes back three months later, unshaven, stinking of hash and Nutella, will have been given to his college roommate who’s moved to the city, leaving him with no place to stay but your couch.

A Chess Set: Classy. Intelligent. Lasting. As long as the pieces aren’t shot glasses.