Thoughts From My Imaginary Financial Advisor

The market has been up and down like parishioners at a Catholic mass lately. After today's stock slaughter, I think it may be time to start looking to unconventional methods of money management. Here are a few maverick ideas you won't find in Smart Money. (Why a picture of the Geico Gecko? I imagine if he were my financial advisor, he would endorse these ideas.)

Offshore accounts. I found a bank in New Zealand offering 8% interest. But do your homework. Make sure your foreign safe haven is not run by a Nigerian prince.

Start a religion. It worked for Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. As for a name, I'd definitely leave science out of it. Consider something short, snappy and inspiring, like Jebucks. It combines the notion of Jesus, money and coffee. I'm seeing a place of worship on every corner.

China continues to be a rapidly expanding market. I predict the next growth sector there will be the development of cheap alternatives to melamine.

Open a pawn shop. This is an area ripe for expansion as people begin selling off their espresso makers and big screen TVs to make their house payments.

Invest in survival gear. At the rate we're going, it can't be long before this market is exploding.

Two words: alcoholic Beverages. I expect alcohol sales to rise dramatically over the next few months. Put your money in Seagrams. And look both ways when crossing the street.

If you really just want to hide your cash somewhere safe, forget the mattress. Put your money in a cave in Tora Bora, then move it to Pakistan.

Government Says Blind People Have Gotten Along Fine So Far

Blind people can’t tell whether they’re handing over a five or a twenty when they pay for a bottle of Frederic Fekkai shampoo. Actually, they can’t be sure that’s Frederic Fekkai and not Suave. But U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit only addressed the money issue in its ruling today that says the U.S. discriminates against blind people with paper currency that offers no way for them to distinguish the bill’s value. The ruling in favor of the American Council for the Blind ended a nearly six-year battle for the rights of the visually, but not shopping impaired.

The U.S. government had argued that blind people have adapted and should simply continue to rely on the honesty of the store clerk or a fellow patron to tell them which bill to fork over. What a great idea. Because we all know that the guy selling Cheetos and Big-Gulps for eight hours a day, who then goes home to play GTA4 for the remaining sixteen, would never take advantage of a person who might inadvertently pull out a Benjamin when a single would suffice.

The government also praised the resourcefulness of blind people, many of whom have created their own systems for distinguishing bills, like folding or tearing the corners. I guess blind people should see it as an opportunity to sharpen their magic skills. Following that logic, why should we bother with all those accessibility rules? Just let those ingenuitive paraplegics figure out how to get up the steps on their own. It will toughen them up.